dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
