WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Randomize
