It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
