Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
