How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
