i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
