I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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