You're completely useless in the revolution.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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