So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
