Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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