It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
