i already hear my dad disowning me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
