Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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