he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
