Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
