hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
