My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
