careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
