It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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