I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
