lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
