I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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