tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
