I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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