So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
