I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Randomize
