im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
