Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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