his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
