My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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