I just pynch a tree in the face
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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