I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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