The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
