Christians are straight up FREAKS
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
