Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
