what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
