Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
