and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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