eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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