My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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