Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
