I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
