That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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