So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
