I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
