literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
