I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
