the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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