I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
