My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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