You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize