She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
