do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
