dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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