Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
