I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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