I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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