remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Drunk is not a location!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
