Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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