i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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