vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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