You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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