Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize