Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
