He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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