just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
