Don't you send me to vm
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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