I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
